New News is Good News...Who Knew?

Brian Williams

Can you hear that sound? It’s the sound of grandmothers across the country weeping for their fallen angel Brian Williams. Yes, that devilishly handsome broadcaster is in some hot water over recent comments.

In 2013 Williams, on the “Late Show with David Letterman”, recounted a story in which himself and a convoy of U.S. Army helicopters was peppered with gunfire in Northern Iraq. “Two were hit, including the one I was in,” Williams told Dave and the CBS audience. As it turns out, that wasn’t actually what happened. Veterans who were there claimed otherwise and after issuing an apology last week, Williams has taken a leave of absence.

That’s right that Brian Williams, America’s darling news caster; the one who has hosted the NBC Nightly News program since 2003; the worthy and slightly younger successor to the renowned Tom Brokaw. Williams was slowly working his way up the Mount Olympus of broadcast news to claim Walter Cronkite’s vacant throne. Brian Williams: that smug, self-righteous, fine-looking gentleman who would gladly fuck your wife and pay for the abortion.

Just look at the man. He was born to tell the news. Such dignity! Such charisma! He belongs sitting in a plume green chair, chomping down on expensive caviar and smoking cigars as he solemnly reads the daily reports to prominent aristocrats.

I shouldn’t complain too much because this is some of the best drama NBC has aired since “The West Wing.” At this very moment those well tailored executives over at NBC are debating the future of Mr. Brian Williams. If they truly wanted to shed their label as the laughing stock of cable programming, then they’d fire the man. It’s not like they don’t have capable replacements. We all know Matt Lauer just hit pay dirt. Maybe he’ll forgo his natural inclinations to sleep and host both the Today Show and Nightly News. Hell, let’s just give the bastard a day time talk show while we’re at it, then the cherubic little weasel can plaster our television screens day, noon, and night.

The problem is Williams won’t go down without a fight. If we learned anything from his war time correspondence it’s that the man can outmaneuver the hand of death more times than not. There’s no turning back now Brian, it’s time to double down. To hell with the apologies I say!
Still, probably it's not the best idea to relate your situation to Christ journeying through hell and back to save both past and current mankind from eternal damnation, especially after you just recanted your earlier, more glorious account.

The apology, by the way, was even more cringe inducing than the lie. Williams said he “made a mistake in recalling.” You mistakenly thought your helicopter was hit with an RPG? That’s not the type of thing you just misremember Brian. But perhaps I need to cut him some slack, medical research on the effects of PTSD is still not well understood. It’s clearly left its mark on the man. His memory may have been “bungled,” but it was still able to conjure up this spiteful detail that he couldn’t quite resist throwing on at the end, saying he and his team still spent “two harrowing nights in a sandstorm in the Iraq desert….” Perhaps it’s just in the man’s nature to embellish - he is after all a 21st century news "journalist" - but still, probably not the best idea to relate your situation to Christ journeying through hell and back to save both past and current mankind from eternal damnation, especially after you just recanted your earlier, more glorious account. Unless of course, he was telling the truth… or at least thought he was telling the truth.

Which is why I say to hell with apologies – there’s no apology necessary. The man is a war hero. That was no rocket propelled grenade that hit his helicopter nearly 15 years ago. It was more likely a laser guided ballistic missile, fired by a top Al-Qaeda operative. The air craft went down in an explosion of fire as limbs were torn left and right. Brian fought valiantly; killing 23 terrorists – three with his bare hands, after he emptied the clip of the .40 caliber machine gun. Do the details really matter? He was there. And if that’s what he thinks happened, then that’s what he thinks actually happened. He’s never pretended to be a soldier. He’s a journalist – a member of that valiant commendable pride we call the media.

They, chief among us, have remained their duplicitous selves in all this, with the head of Time Warner leading the charge in demand of William’s public execution. Their passive aggressive statements are disingenuous drivel. These wolves could care less about honor and integrity. They want Williams gone purely for their company’s own personal gain.

Not everyone is frothing at the mouth to gut this meager calf though. Dan Rather and a few others came to the defense of their colleague, vouching for his honesty. Which begs the question: What little white lies did Mr. Rather and these other newscasters (one being Megyn Kelly of Fox News, which is another ominous sign) tell during their “prestigious” journalism careers?

It just goes to show how truly manufactured the news has become. What sad sap still thinks news broadcasts are concerned with the truth? Probably the same people who think the TSA is protecting our freedoms by detaining innocent civilians for 20+ hours. Real journalism hasn’t been sexy since the 80’s; it’s all shifted to the spectacle. Flashy graphics and quick talking blowhards are what catch the public’s attention. Truth and fact are purely optionally in this day and age.

As the famed Edward R. Murrow once said “We cannot make good news out of bad practice.” So please NBC, do the right thing. For the integrity of the media, free this man from his torment.

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