The Helpless Canadian

Land of the free

The Helpless Canadian: "I've learned so much about my American neighbours in my studies, I think it is time I go explore firsthand the Land of the Free."

The Helpless Canadian heads toward the border.

The Helpless Canadian: "Hello representatives of the American people, I've got a lot of gifts I would like to share with you while I explore your country. Mind if I come in?"

Border Guard: "How much money do you have?"

The Helpless Canadian: "Ah, I've got enough to get me through."

Border Guard: "How much money do you have exactly?"

The Helpless Canadian: "I've got just under a thousand."

Border Guard: "You're going to have to go in for a full inspection."

While waiting in the uncomfortable environment, the Helpless Canadian reads a sign:

Assaulting an officer - forcibly assaults, resists, opposes, impedes, intimidates, or interferes with any person designated in section 1114 of this title while engaged in or on account of the performance of official duties;
shall, where the acts in violation of this section constitute only simple assault, be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than one year, or both, and where such acts involve physical contact with the victim of that assault or the intent to commit another felony, be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than 8 years, or both.

The Helpless Canadian: "Oppose? Impede? Does that mean if I ask a question or say anything remotely incongruent with this system, you can construe it as assault?"

Border Guards begin beating Helpless Canadian. The Helpless Canadian gets fined $25,000 for opposing the beating and sentenced to one year in an American prison.

During that time, the prison the Helpless Canadian calls home has a riot because the prisoners are tired of being treated like scum and are only learning ways to break laws without getting caught the next time. The Helpless Canadian talks to the warden about focus on rehabilitation instead of punishment, using research and empirical evidence from other countries.

The Helpless Canadian gets sent to a maximum security facility on the grounds of being a threat to national security. Conveniently, it's a private company that owns the prison; the same one his grade 7 math teacher invested in several years ago and made a killing! His labours are put to good, unpaid use, producing American license plates.

The Helpless Canadian: "Land of the Free?"

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