Bye, Bye Big Bird

Mitt Romney

So by now even those of us who didnít tune into the presidential debate or those who did and fell asleep already know that Romney wants to cut off Big Birdís head and serve his carcass at the White House thanksgiving dinner. I personally thought Big Bird was a giant chicken not a turkey, but maybe Mormons have a thing against eating turkeys.

All kidding aside, though, he does want to cut the federal funding for PBS because apparently cutting 1/100th of a percent of the budget will save this country from going into bankruptcy. I guess we should just be glad that a financial genius like Romney is watching out for us. Once we get past his hidden bank accounts, uncountable flip flops, innumerable lies, and just intolerable personality, maybe he would make a good president.

And maybe Big Bird is not covered in yellow feathers.

Truth is that yes, thereís no reason for the federal government to pay for public broadcasting, but the truth is also that cutting that portion of the budget wonít save America from its impending financial collapse. But donít worry; Romney is going to save us from another expensive threat. Heís going to cut Obamacare and then replace it with Romneycare because maybe itís a tad bit cheaper.

But hey, Romney does have good intentions. I mean he wants to continue killing innocent people in the Middle East. Goodness knows, we wouldnít want to spread Western democracy with peace or a good example. Bullets and bombs are always better persuaders and they never turn anyone into an enemy. At least thatís what Fox News would have us believe but Iím pretty sure that Romney and OíRiley are a gayer couple than Bert and Ernie. Theyíre just a bit more closeted. Mormons donít really take kindly to the whole sodomy thing.

But you know what, I have a better idea. Lets stop bombing countries to bits. Letís just admit once and for all that weíre only pissing people off and giving all those evil terrorist organizations more reasons to wipe America off the globe. Not to mention weíre just wasting a bunch of Chinaís money, and someday theyíre going to want it back and pointing to burnt corpses in mass graves as an IOU isnít going to cut it.

So maybe, just maybe, we stop the damn drone attacks over Pakistan and take the troops out of the Middle East. I donít know, maybe Iím crazy, but perhaps a war in Iran is just as costly and stupid as was invading Iraq in 2003. Oh, but Romney did tell us that if we donít stop Iran, their huge arsenal of invisible and inexistent nuclear arms will detonate in Israel and weíll be screwed because, well, just because. I mean what would America do without her Zionist ally? So I guess, we might as well throw another trillion dollars, hell make it two, into the Middle East to wage unjustified wars. Who knows maybe those terrorist will suddenly decide that Americaís killing of innocent bystanders is Allahís way of punishing them for not being greedy, selfish, apathetic Westerners.

But first, we have to we cut PBSís funding. As long as the evil Burt and Ernie take their flamboyant homosexual adventures away from the eyes of children, then everything will be alright. Romney can just drop his bombs and kill every single person in the world as long as Big Bird dies with them. And anyone who doubts that Romney can save this country, well, maybe theyíll find that Big Birdís head isnít the only one underneath the guillotine.

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