Voting and Shitty Restaurants: A Metaphor

Why not vote

I don't know how we've reached this point in America where it's basically a sin to not vote. We have a right to vote, not an obligation. I think it's about time to stop voting. I'm going to use a metaphor to illustrate why you should stop.

You know that building in your town that seems to be a revolving door for shitty restaurants? Great. Now imagine two of them next door to each other. One is always red, the other, blue.

Well, it's been about 3 years and it appears that new management is moving into the two different buildings. You're kind of interested because they're really the only two dining options in the whole town. But which one do you go to? They each have a well dressed, well spoken, handsome man out front. Both men are saying things like, "Sir! You must come inside! We serve the best steak you've ever tasted! And it's free! In fact, we'll give you money for eating here!' and, 'Don't go into that other restaurant, they kick you in the nuts and spit in your eye!"

So, you pick one. You pick the one with the guy who reads his script the best; the one with the guy who seems the most relatable. You're so sure about this choice. So sure that you bash the other restaurant. You can't wait to try your restaurant out! "OMG! I can taste the steak already!"

You pass through the door. You sit down. You are salivating. The waiter is walking towards you, menu in hand. What happens next? He kicks you in the nuts and spits in your eye. Oh yeah, and he takes the money out of your wallet too. Before you know it, you're back out on the street, hunched over your swollen balls with a loogie in your eye and no money in your wallet.

Now, let me ask you something. Would you go back to this place? No. Fuck no.

The problem with voting is, it's not much different than the restaurant metaphor, yet you all keep going back to vote. You masochists! Just walk on by the restaurant. It'll be the same crappy food, bad location, and poor service EVERY TIME!

Those shitty restaurants will be there whether you like it or not. So why vote? Why not do something more constructive?

Let's figure this out. How long does it take to vote? Maybe 15 minutes of driving, then probably another 10 minutes or so of waiting in line and then actually voting. 25 minutes. You can do all kinds of stuff in 25 minutes. Here are some ideas:

  • Get a quick workout in
  • Make a healthy salad (because you're fat, America)
  • Take a huge dump and simultaneously knock out some Angry Birds levels
  • Call your grandma
  • Find the perfect porn to whack off to, and then whack off to it - twice

The list goes on. So do yourself a favor and DON'T VOTE! It won't make a lick of difference, plus, you're be able to put that time to much better use - like taking a huge dump.

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