Ethnic Dating in the Digital Age
Much taller and hairier than the average Asian, built like a Mack truck and a food induced type II diabetic, Dalai Mismaladoop is a 42-year old biotech engineer from Chicago. Dalai believes that anal play is reserved for her husband to be. She had yet to have a man even touch her, even by accident, even though she bathes regularly.
The massive Ms. Mismaladoop has suffered three tragic arranged marriages, as all three men committed suicide the night before their nuptials instead of going through with their marriages with the otherwise affable and carb friendly Ms. Mismaladoop. Somehow this has not dampened her eagerness for matrimony.
In August, she joinedan online causal dating service, with the hope that this would lead her to the dream man. Her celebrity crush is George Clooney, but she told me that she would settle for Patton Oswalt. Dalai had been on two dates and both men politely made it through dinner before running, not walking, to the nearest exit. She explained that although there was not a love match, she found both men kind for staying through dinner before leaving. One date called, “her terrifying to look at and honestly, the biggest appetite of any human I have ever met. But she is pleasant and kind.”
During her last date, she was convinced to get a makeover to advance her feminine qualities. Her date, Rodger Davies, kindly conveyed to her that if she lost 100 pounds, waxed her mustaches and body, wore make up and dressed more like a female, that he might mercy fuck her once he was drunk enough. Up until then it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to her.
Born in Indonesia, and immediately given up for adoption to a wealthy WASP family in Lake Bluff, Chang Choo Jones, a 41-year old actuary, is five foot two inches tall, with small girlish hands, a receding hairline, scaly skin, protruding belly, a high squeaky voice and has developed a form of turret's syndrome where he blurts out vulgar and tasteless comments to women he encounters.
Recently, as he was walking behind an elderly woman, he told her that he would tap that ass, when his mom then turned around and slapped him in the face.
Even with the privileges of a private school education, all the material possessions a boy could want and two loving, attentive parents and a dog named Leonard, Chang felt unfulfilled growing up. With no brothers or sisters, and only imaginary friends, Chang spent many evenings alone with nothing but his sick imagination.
Even though he began balding at the age of 12 and was neither good at sports, music or academics Chang wanted to be a ladies man. Nothing else mattered except hot chicas 24/7. Chang’s celebrity crush is a tie be Oprah or Rosie O’Donnell, but he would settle for Giselle Bundchen.
He has been trying to pick up women since he was a young lad without one success. Even a broken clock is right twice a day he thought to himself. Not Chang’s clock.
This lack of a love life, or any life, has not deterred the plucky Mr. Choo Jones from trying. He sees a therapist, named Judy, who between fighting off Chang’s clumsy advances and rude remarks about her tight chassis, has taught him some valuable tools to improve his luck with the fair sex.
Chang is on strong medication to keep from his frequent outbursts, but once in a while his unreciprocated urges overwhelm him whenever he sees a woman between the ages of fourteen to ninety. He told me that he has never seen a real woman naked except for his mother, and is a devout pork devotee, as his online profile states.
However, Chang’s luck changed instantaneously when he met the beautiful Dalai. Also a Boink.com member, Chang came upon Dalai’s profile and when he called her, it changed both of their lives.
They spent a magical afternoon at Dave & Busters, an arcade in downtown Chicago. Between games of Dirty Drivin’ and Space Ballz, Chang admitted to Dalai of his penchant to verbalize unwelcome and unacceptable things to the ladies but Dalai replied that if he said any of these things to her, she would find it romantic and endearing.
As it turns out, Dalai likes dirty talk, especially when she is called a fat whore. When Chang first laid eyes on her hefty buttocks, burly chest and hairy face, he knew it was love at first sight. Furthermore, he told her that he would not change one thing about her and then blurted loudly, “I gonna tap that fat ass”
Dalai’s heart melted instantly and as she devoured the final cheesy fry.
It was truly love at first sight and a story for the digital ages. For those out there unlucky in love, the story of Chang and Dalai should be awe-inspiring. After 40 years of involuntary abstinence, and proudly wearing their anal promise rigns, the frightening couple told me that they are saving themselves for their December wedding. Ms. Mismaladoop told me that they will hold hands when they eat and Mr. Choo Jones admitted that every now and then, he sneaks his childish hands under her circus tent sized skirt to fondle her hairy calves and it makes him squeal in delight.