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Canada: For Sale; Dictatorships Save Big!

Canada for sale

Article by Garrett Will
independent
W
elcome, shoppers! As you may well know by the title of this post, the country of Canada is up for grabs! While this doesn't include the will of the people being up for bid, our organization is open to negotiations should you desire this as an addendum to this deed, but please make notice prior to finalization.

Here are the features from which you will benefit in this deal (starting rates):

  • The Athabasca oil sands and all supplies generated within.
  • The Saskatchewan Potash supply.
  • Full share of the export of oil supplies from the Canada West to Canada East pipeline.
  • 10% of proceeds from all sales generated by diamonds mined in the Northwest Territories and elsewhere in the country.
  • 51% majority shares of stocks in the Magna International Corporation.
  • Confidence and security during diplomatic trips your country's officials take within Canada. (Add %3.25 to the final price of the sale for additional security services, such as baseless attacks by police forces unto riled & otherwise bystanders. This is a hotly sought-after addition!)
  • Publicly displayed sucking up to your country's officials. For additional hilarity and embarrassment for Canada's Prime Minister (of the time) in such antics, please add %10 to the final price of the sale.
  • BONUS! Full control (fiscal matters, managerial decisions, and manipulating any journalistic integrity that may remain) of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation ABSOLUTELY FREE! Only for a limited time (expires 2/11/2054).

Our sister project, the Canada Economic Action Plan, promises stunning results amongst Canada's more unquestioning citizenry. The slogan "Canada's Economic Action Plan is working for Canadians" is doing exactly as advertised: working, at least in convincing a significant portion of the population that the economy is strengthening.
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For National Security reasons, the identities of our agents will be kept confidential.
This deed will be defined as an initiative under this project for convenience and for your peace of mind. Low-level initiates in our cabinet and in the federal workforce are at the ready to bear the brunt should any failure arise from this deal!

I
f you're so interested, please have your (preferably expendable) sycophant or representative contact one of our adulators to begin the process of covertly acquiring the lifeblood of Canada. Remember: we're not interested in long-term gains for our cabinet or for the national interest. For National Security reasons, the identities of our agents will be kept confidential. In keeping with our cabinet's fiercely protective and controlled public image, we demand that all media attention be filtered so as to maintain the anonymity of this project. We would appreciate any publicly generated ruse on your end for distraction purposes.

Thank you, and have a nice day! We're looking forward to doing business with you!


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