Let's Ban This, That, and Those Too

What should be banned

Article by Garrett Will
We should ban house utensils; forks, spoons, knives (especially the knives) all need to go. Hell, sporks are a mass murder waiting to happen.

While we're at it, let's ban saws. Manual or automatic, saws are nasty. Chainsaws are probably the worst of the lot because you could obviously play lumberjack on an entire school if you wanted to with one of those.

Any kind of glass-ware should be banned. You could fashion a deadly weapon out of a goblet if you wanted to. Speaking of glass-ware, we should just ban glass entirely. We need to do that before someone encases their hapless victim(s) entirely into bullet-proof glass. I know that's a distinct and very odd scenario but still; if I can romance the idea, then someone else surely can!

Fans should be banned. No, not fans of Superbious.com, but mechanical air ventilation & circulation fans. If videogame depictions of deadly traps in the form of these mechanical horrors didn't jar you, then surely the engines of a jet would convince you to call for the outlawing of these contraptions.

don't trust automobiles of any kind, especially excavators and rocket platforms. Ban all automobiles with treads and tires alike before they kill every single soul in North America. If the thousands of fatalities at the hands of these murderous devices isn't enough, then what would placate you?

Plastic bags, or anything similar, should be banned as well. I don't like how they are often the cause of death for stupid children everywhere, so let's save the children. Oh those poor kids suffocating to death. And did you watch Casino? One of the murder victims in that film had a plastic bag stuffed over their heads after being struck in the nose, left to suffocate from blood and lack of air flow alike.

Concrete should be banned, definitely. It's a cruel and unusual punishment to bury people in construction concrete, though banning the stuff would lower property values (I'm willing to settle on that compromise) since buried murder victims in concrete walkways are a hot trend. I've also heard of organized crime syndicates encasing their whistle-blowers and traitors, and mistresses, into concrete (most of the time, the feet are all that gets covered), and throwing them into bodies of water to drown. Concrete: what an anachronism.

  High-powered speakers, bass woofers, and amplifiers need to disappear before an entire (paying) concert crowd explodes from fatal onsets of decibels. Get rid of that venerable menace before such a tragedy occurs. Just watch Mars Attacks! to catch my drift.

Any kind of flammable substance should be banned on the double. Jet fuel, the contents of aerosol cans (doesn't help that there's so much pressure contained in these cans), propane, crude oil, kerosene. Hank Hill be damned. I think we all know what carnage ensues when a propane tanker explodes on freeways.

Let's just ban water, outright, already. Nobody drinks it anymore, the citizenry and the citizen-should-nots pollute all the world's water supplies making it toxic to all life, and people drown because of water. It's long overdue that we sever our romantic ties with water, before a mass murdering psychopath manages to dump a dozen innocent children into a lake. Good-bye dihydrogen monoxide.

Who uses metal works anymore, anyway? Unique and creative, albeit sadistic killers could theoretically toss a very unlucky victim into a vat of molten metal and, well, the rest of the details need not follow. Those need to go, now. Sorry, metal workers, you could have done your part to take away murder weapons, but you've neglected your duties to society for too long.

Any kind of strong, especially metallic wiring should be outlawed. Garrote wires were birthed out of the lethal potential of these abhorrent inventions.

think sharks, rabid dogs, big felines, bears, piranhas, venomous spiders, ticks, snakes & pythons, wolverines, crocodiles & alligators, giant groupers, and hippopotami should be outlawed and annihilated from existence. Add to that those pests to humanity in the form of ants, wasps, bees, and hornets and I'll be even happier.

Micro-organisms are almost undoubtedly going to destroy a large swathe of our species, so we might as well take preemptive measures to ensure this never happens. That'll be one less weapon of mass destruction in the hands of unconventional mad scientists everywhere.

Four-by-fours must be outlawed as well. Whether they're carved into pikes, treated for durability, or just a couple inches thick, four-by-fours can make mashed watermelons of any poor skull & brains. Let's just ban wood in general.

How about poisonous plants everywhere? We don't benefit from them, and they are liable to kill, so we should do away with those, too.

Brooms, mops, and other light maintenance props are easily on the grounds of banning. Many Molly Maid workers will lose their jobs, but we'll find fewer impaled murder victims as a result. Cue the outcry from those who despise the most tedious of housework.

Compact discs and vinyl records are deadly weapons in the hands of the most dedicated, and patient killers. That must be considered for outlawing, too.

Fridges and large freezers, like the walk-in kind found in restaurants that don't like to cook their food fresh, are deadly devices found in almost every living quarter. If you can stuff a small, thin woman into a fridge and suffocate them, then they're unfit to exist in society.

Liquid nitrogen, that shit is scary! Did you watch the X-Files? Ever since seeing someone being frozen alive and smashed into many red pieces within mere seconds, I've been scarred for life. Not to mention that it's so cold that it burns to the touch. I've had it on my foot once, treating a bad case of plantar's warts, and it hurt like a mad bitch from Hell. Get rid of that extremely cold stuff immediately.

Let's ban rocks. Even pebbles can kill a man if thrown hard enough, or swallowed, or if they seep into open wounds. There's nothing worse than a person grabbing a big rock and throwing it at a potential victim. Let's not forget how many boulders will be lost in the process. That's fewer human pancakes than before.

Electricity is a scourge to mankind. It powers all of our electronic devices, which we depend on so much that we go into mindless frenzies when we lose it on a wide-scale. And they also electrocute people. Too many an undeserving soul have been fried at the mercy of high ampage assault. Go back to basics, and be safer!

Wind mills of all kinds should go as well. Birds suffer, and parachutists suffer. I'm thinking of both of them when I say this; outlaw the windmills and wind turbines. By extension, let's include water turbines as well. No more boats, no more planes, no more luxurious cruise-liners, but we make that trade for more surviving citizens. That's a trade-off that is worth the price.

All hazardous chemicals need to be outlawed. If you burn from it, if you dissolve from it, if you explode from it, if you freeze from it, if you suffocate from it; it's all bad.

I think we should also ban guns and other, more powerful weaponry as well. If they're a sword or a rocket launcher, they must go for the good of humanity. A large-capacity light machinegun cna take theoretically hundreds of lives, and a well-made wakizashi can lop off a few heads with a light stroke. Dynamites and grenades leave behind a huge job for garbage collectors and military trainees, and MOABS cause untold property damage (vaporizing all that stand within ther blast radius). All weaponry, handheld or not, should be banned. They're most the common tools of mass murdering monsters everywhere, and it's about time we get rid of them. Sure, you could defend yourself with these weapons, but that's moot anyway so let's ban them outright.

Considering all of these and more, I think we might need to ban humanity just to be safe. It's always human motivation that leads to these deaths, unless a rampaging, and hungry bear mauls your head off with one fell swoop of their claws. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. So let's just do away with people and all will be solved.

Oh wait, I'm a person. You're a person. We're all people. And my proposed measure would...


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